Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
