What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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