Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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