i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
