Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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