my soul wont recognize me after tonight
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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