thus making me awesome and them whores
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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