just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
