Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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