i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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