the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
