Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Randomize
