It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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