and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
