Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
