someone get that fucking seahorse.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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