i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
