I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
The beers last night were like the tears from god
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
