There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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