It's like God shit irony all over that family
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
