I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
