I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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