I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
