I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
