Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize