I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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