He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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