In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
