Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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