so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
