we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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