it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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