she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
