I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
