So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
