I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
