He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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