I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
