tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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