That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize