If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
