I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
