Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
