wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Randomize
