i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
