Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
