Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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