mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize