I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
