Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
