he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
