Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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