I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
