After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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