Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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