so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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