My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
