woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
