I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
