I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
