Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
