She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Someone signed my nipple.
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