I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
