New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
